[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If I鈥檓 at your house and you鈥檝e got a grocery list on the fridge, I鈥檓 adding stuff to it and not telling you
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you鈥檙e eating?
I鈥檝e got three children鈥檚 parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don鈥檛 make it: tell my kids it鈥檚 their fault.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I鈥檓 a very good shot
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It鈥檚 a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Him: So you鈥檙e a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
my good friends know that i鈥檓 just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I鈥檓 available.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn鈥檛 like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet