It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.