Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.