Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.