Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
2022 will be better than 2021
when mom throws a party…
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.