White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire