I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Leaving the Barbers like
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college