If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Dietest Coke
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*