[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.