Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”