Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.