Not today, today.
Not today.
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old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
God has left this place
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise