me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
? 💀
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Monday Lisa
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Vodka burrito was a success
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.