As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.