Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
is this store having a stroke wtf
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that