Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
We’ve all been there…
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.