My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.