If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Liquor Store Parking
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”