I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
monday
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”