Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover