My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
That’s amazing.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.