Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats