People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.