Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*