The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Flock of bats
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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