Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
i think we should see other cousins
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good