They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying