If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?