A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
You Might Also Like
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The old gods are rising again.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
How high do the levels go?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.