Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Cake!!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro