Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.