Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.