You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m about to risk it all
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns