Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.