After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
car not found
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?