😅🤣😂
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Bruh PLEASE
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥