Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Yes
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You wish you had this many chins.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.