You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!