Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
You Might Also Like
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”