When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn