Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here