Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The Struggle
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day