I’m giving up for Lent.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?