My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
yeah not falling for this one
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.