There is no “we” in pizza
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it