It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
You Might Also Like
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.