Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!