That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
You Might Also Like
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
courtroom exchange of the day
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Breaking news:
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The hardest thing Vision has to do
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
selfie game
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/