[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
You Might Also Like
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd