I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)